Chasing Pavements
by Sere Bing
Summary: Love sucks when unrequited. It's even worse when the person you love is your best friend... and already in love with someone else. Season 4, Mondler.
1. Chapter 1

Honestly… I don't know about this. This is actually a major revamp of an old story I posted on here when I was… sixteen? And only deleted recently (if anyone was around then, its name was The One Where the wedding dress changes it all'), but I just realized that story was not only unfinished, but also kinda… meh, which I felt was a pity, because I did love the original concept.

My biggest issue is, I feel like this story has already been written a thousand and one more times, especially since season 4 seems to be a favorite for Mondler fans (I wonder why ;)) but I swear I'll make it as original as possible.

The title is… a totally obvious reference to a very well known, amazing song by one of my favourite artists, and this is just a really short prologue, but bear with me :P.

* * *

I have to admit, Chandler is sweeter than I ever gave him credit for.

It's not just that he has spent a lot of time and money on a kid's book, or that he's probably wandered through all of New York just to make sure he'd find exactly what he thinks would make Kathy happy, so much as the fact that he's done it without any ulterior motives, or any second thoughts. He has just taken the time to find a meaningful birthday present that Kathy would love and then gave it to Joey so he can pretend it was his idea, content with letting his best friend take all the credit.

There's just something about the idea of a man not only listening to your speeches about your favorite childhood tale, but actually caring enough to go through all that trouble to find a special copy, that I find absolutely endearing. Add into the mix the fact that he's not even her boyfriend, and this is easily one of the sweetest gestures I've witnessed in a really long time.

"Hey" a familiar voice shakes me out of my thoughts.

"Hey. How'd it go with Kathy?"

Chandler groans, sitting next to me on the couch "It was awful. I told Joey to give her the book, and I gave her his pen-clock thing, but she knew we had swapped presents"

Well, that's quite some news . "How?"

Even his half assed smirk is sad and bitter "Joey had no idea she even liked that book, which made the whole thing look really obvious". He shakes his head, then drops it into his hands and lets out a pained noise "I'm the worst friend ever"

I feel for him, I really do, but I can't help but laugh "For what? Buying a beautiful present for a girl you like?"

"Try 'your best friend's girlfriend'"

"So? It's not like you did it to break them up! Technically, Joey still gave her the present" I offer, resting my hand on his shoulder just long enough to squeeze it. "You really did nothing wrong."

He doesn't seem too convinced "Yes, but Mon, wouldn't you think something of your boyfriend's best friend buying you an expensive present? If I keep doing stuff like this, she's going to figure it out. Granted, assuming she doesn't already know."

Well, that's true. How she hasn't figured out already is kind of a mystery, and sometimes I do get the feeling that she might be pretending not to know. Not that I'd blame her, this _is_ an uncomfortable situation. "Maybe, but isn't it a good thing? Do you really want her to be totally clueless to what you're feeling?"

He suddenly gets up, then turns around to look in my eyes, the sudden movement making me flinch. I'm used to nervous, high-strung Chandler, but nervous, high-strung, upset Chandler is a lot harder to handle. "I kind of have to want that, don't you think? If she found out, I'd just make her even more uncomfortable"

"I guess so" I concede "but don't you think on some level, you bought that book because you wanted her to find out?"

He looks down, his eyes dejected "I've asked myself the very same question Mon, but in the end... I think I really didn't. I just wanted her to have it. I just wanted her to be happy"

I take his hand in mine and pull him over, waiting for him to kneel down for a hug "There you have it then. You're definitely not the worst friend in the world if all you wanted was to make your best friend's girlfriend happy." I say finally, holding him tight. "It would be different if you'd done it to win her over, but there is nothing wrong with making someone happy, even if that someone happens to be dating your best friend."

He slowly pulls out of the hug, but he's smiling "Thank you"

"For what?"

"Making me feel better?" he offers, kissing my cheek and standing up again.

"Anytime"

"I think I'll just go to work and settle some things, I know Kathy and Joey have plans to go out at seven so that's probably when I'll come back. Meet you downstairs?" He might be feeling better, but he sure as hell isn't feeling _much_ better. He still looks pretty beat about the whole thing.

"Sure"

He offers a weak nod and closes the door behind him, leaving me alone once again.

Maybe he's not the smoothest or most charming guy in the world. He always says the wrong thing at the wrong time, and the way he cracks jokes even when it was absolutely inappropriate to do so isn't the best. He's awkward and his lack of pride often makes him come off as kinda desperate. But in the end, I firmly believe you could do a lot worse than Chandler Bing.

* * *

I think… if you guys are interested (I'm not just going to be assuming you are :P) This might end up being pretty long (not like… really, really long, but at least a few chapters, I guess) I already have the ending figured out, I just need to figure out how to get there.

As always, feedback is appreciated! I really want to know what you guys think about it :)


	2. Chapter 2

_If I'm in love with you,  
should I give up,  
or should I just keep chasing pavements?_

I like Kathy.

If I'm being honest and rational about this whole thing, I do like her. As far as I'm concerned, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, and she does seem like a genuinely good person.

Sure, falling in love with your boyfriend's best friend isn't ideal, but I can personally attest that there is no way to control the way you feel, or who you like.

Boy, do I know.

Except I can't seem to bring myself to be _rational._ I can't force myself to feel differently, no matter what. And the most ironic part is, this whole… _crush_ thing, started _because_ of Kathy. If I'd never seen Chandler be that thoughtful and sweet, I probably wouldn't feel this way about him right now.

You see what I'm saying? If Kathy hadn't come along, I would never have developed feelings for Chandler.

So really, this is all her fault , and I hate her.

"Hi girls. Got any ice?" Joey asks, entering the room and interrupting my train of thoughts. Thankfully, may I add. I was starting to be afraid that Rachel could sense my thoughts and that she'd think I'm crazy. Not that I'd blame her.

"Sure. Suit yourself" I tell him, needlessly. His head is already in the freezer "What's it for?"

"Just filling up an ice bucket for our beers." He says, and I'm assuming him and Chandler must be watching TV.

"You and Chandler having another Baywatch marathon?" I ask, but he shakes his head at me.

"Nah, Kathy is also in there. I'm still trying to get them to bond a little" He dismisses me. Poor, innocent Joe.

"Any luck?" Rachel asks, and I can tell just by looking at her, that she is also wondering if Joey is actually as clueless as he seems. You wouldn't expect it from someone who's usually pretty good at reading signs. You'd think his luck with women would make him more aware.

"Not much, really. He still looks very uncomfortable around her" He shrugs, putting the ice trays on the table.

"You know what, Joe? Maybe you should just let it go." Rachel suggests "I know we all want our friends to like the people we date, but it doesn't sound like forcing him is helping at all."

I appreciate her effort, and it's not like I'm opposed to stop forcing Chandler and Kathy in the same room, but I really doubt Joey's convinced.

"I know, and I'm not expecting them to become, like, best friends!" He says, looking exasperated " I just want them to get to know each other! Kathy even likes a lot of the same geeky stuff Chandler does! If he actually tried, I think they'd get along pretty well!"

"You think he's not trying?" I ask, curious.

"Well, unless you wanna call leaving the apartment every single time she comes over 'trying'" He answers, rolling his eyes "Thanks for the ice, but I have to get back before Chandler claws his own eyes out."'

When the door closes behind him, Rachel suddenly talks again "Is that dude for real?"

I try my best to look detached, but honestly? I've never been a good liar, and Rachel knows me far too well for me to be comfortable with where the conversation is going. I'll just settle for speaking as little as I can. "What?"

"Oh come on! He thinks Chandler doesn't want to be around Kathy because he hates her! How can he not notice what's going on?"

"To be fair, if you left the apartment every time you saw someone I date, that would probably be my first assumption too" I tell her. I can't help but feel for Joey, really. Chandler's situation sucks, but his isn't exactly the best either.

Rachel gives me a look "Sure, but this is _Chandler_! He is the most obvious guy in the world! The few times we all met Kathy he might have as well had a cartoon heart thumping out his chest!"

Ouch. Thanks Rach.

"I guess that's also true" I concede, suddenly standing to grab a rag, desperately trying to look calm. "He sure seems to like her a lot"

"That's quite an understatement"

It just never ends with this one, does it? I grip the cloth harder and start scrubbing the table, the regular motion giving me a familiar sense of comfort. It _is_ obvious that Chandler likes Kathy, obvious enough that everyone else has noticed, at least. It bothers me, but again, that's probably a side effect of my crush.

Hell, even admitting I have a crush feels wrong.

What sucks in all this, is that I don't even know if Kathy likes him back... Maybe she doesn't, and Chandler is going to end up sad and heartbroken once again.

Or maybe she does and 'Kathy and Chandler' will become a thing, and I am going to be the one to end up sad and heartbroken.

I can't even tell which option is more frightening.

* * *

"I am the worst human being in the whole wide world" I hear a voice announce, and I don't have to turn around from the couch to know who's talking. Only one person in the whole Village would start a conversation like this.

"And good afternoon to you as well!"

"Mon, no, I'm serious. I'm the worst."

"I'll trust you on that one?" I tell him, standing up to go in the kitchen.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why?"

"Right. Hey Chandler, why are you so overdramatic all the damn time?" I joke, but it doesn't look like he's in the mood for it. That's saying something.

"Mon, I don't feel like joking." The look in his eyes almost breaks my heart. Whatever happened must be pretty bad.

"Honey, what's wrong?" I ask him, extending my arms as an invitation to take my hands. When he does, I guide him to the dinner table, trying to get him to sit down. "Is this about Kathy?"

"Isn't everything?" He asks, sitting in the chair next to mine. Off my prying look, he finally sighs "We kissed."

I can feel my eyes widen, and I let go of his hands without meaning to "You what?"

"We kissed" He repeats, looking down in shame , and I hold back any snarky comments about how I heard him the first time. I'm _pretty_ sure he doesn't need it " She was cutting my hair, and the feeling of her hands, and her breath on my neck... it broke me, Mon, i could only keep it bottled inside for so long"

I don't really know what to say to that, because really, what coud I possibly say? 'Congratulations on kissing your best friend's girlfriend?' So I settle for focusing on his face, and how lost he looks, while I process the information. Hearing it was… uncomfortable, but I'm realizing the wrenching sensation in my stomach is actually from seeing how unhappy he is. Right now, I care about his happiness more than my own. And if I weren't so sad about this, I'd probably smile at how cheesy I am.

"Are you judging me?" He asks, breaking the silence, his eyes seemingly concentrating on the floor.

"Of course I'm not judging you." I say sincerely, taking his hands in mine again. "Want to talk about it?"

"There's not much to say really. I kissed my best friend's girlfriend, and when he finds out he's going to hate me."

"I'm sure you'll figure this out. Joey's gonna be mad, but in the end, he'll forgive you. He's not the grudge holding type"

"Believe it or not, the thought of Joey forgiving me is making me feel even worse right now" he admits "I kinda want him to hate me"

I try making eye contact, but he avoids it. He's genuinely ashamed of himself, and I can feel my heart break further "I know you do. But that's just because you think that if he's a jerk to you, you won't feel so bad about..." I stop, conscious about what I was going to say. He really doesn't deserve more guilt.

His weak smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, but it's a start "You know Mon, you can say it. I won't feel so bad for being a jerk first"

I can't help but pull him in a hug "I know this is hard for you. But everything is gonna work out just fine."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but you don't know that" He tells me, his head in the crook of my neck while he pulls me closer, and my heart skips a beat at the sign of affection.

"Sure it will! I know you don't want to hear this right now, but Joey loves you so much! And it's not like you just did it to piss him off" I clear my voice "You really do like Kathy, right?" I ask, shying away from the embrace to look in his eyes.

"Of course I do"

The certainty in his voice is enough to overwhelm me. I know he wouldn't use that word, not _yet_ anyway, but I know the look on his face, and the realization that dawns on me is suddenly too much to take, and much more painful than I expected.

Chandler is in love.

He doesn't just like her. He loves her.

I don't know how. It hasn't even been _that_ long since he's met her, but it all adds up, and I realize the only reason I didn't see it before is that I didn't want to. The thought makes my head spin, and my heart feels so heavy, it's like it turned into lead. I suddenly feel lightheaded, and everything around me looks unfocused.

And that's when another, even more terrifying realization hits me.

I don't just think you could do worse than Chandler Bing. It's not that I find old books bought in the middle of nowhere endearing, or that I just think his crush is 'sweet'. I am in love with him.

Except... I am sure to not be recpirocated. In my case, I know the feeling isn't mutual.

Dizziness takes a hold of me, as all I can think about is that I need to clear my thoughts. And to do that, I have to get away from him. Right now.

"You know what? I need to get some shopping done for tomorrow's catering job" I say, all but sprinting to my room to grab my purse.

"Mon? You did that yesterday. With Pheebs." I hear him remind me through my bedroom door. Damn the guys for always knowing what we're up to.

"Right" I reply, going back, my purse still hooked on my arm "I'd almost completely forgotten about that" I mutter, trying to come up with something else on the spot " You know what? I haven't been out all day. Might as well just take a walk."

"That's actually not a bad idea at all" He pauses, smiling "Mind if I come with?"

Really? We're playing this game? "Do you really wanna come? I'm not gonna do anything fun, you know. Just walk around." Reflect on the epiphany i just had. Wonder what I did to deserve falling in love with someone who loves someone else.

"Well as _fun_ as the idea of spending time sulking by myself is, I'd rather come with you. Is that okay? We can do anything you want! And I won't make stupid jokes!"

I have to smile at that. No matter what, at the end of the day, he's still my best friend, and he wants to spend some time with him. I can't say no to that. "Of course it's okay"

* * *

"You really didn't have to..."

"Shut up"

"No but rea-"

"Mon, it's fine. It's just a pillow." He says, dropping the bag on the couch.

"It's an expensive pillow!" I retort.

"It's still just a pillow. I've been eating from your fridge every day for years. We're not even _close_ to being even"

"That pillow probably costs more than I spend for grocery in a week!" I whine. I appreciate the gesture, but I can't help but feel guilty about him spending an inappropriate amont of money on a pillow. I really can't.

"With what Joey eats, I should have bought you a new bed! Besides, it's Pottery Barn! Ross would be offended if we didn't buy anything" He smirks, and I let out a laugh.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it! How many times do you find a pillow that goes perfectly with everything in your room, huh?" he mocks me playfully, quoting the little speech I gave him when we first walked across the store. I didn't expect him to react by buying it, though.

"Not very often." I admit. "I'm really glad you wanted to come with me. And not for the pillow."

"I'm really glad I came with you too. And really, just take that as a thank you."

"What are you even thanking me for?"

"For just about everything?" he laughs "Mon, you're the best friend in the world. I'm always here, complaining about my love life, asking to sleep on your couch, venting about my problems... and you're putting up with all of it. I know I'm being very annoying lately, and I can't believe you haven't kicked me out of here yet. Hell, I bet you can't even remember a time when I came over and it wasn't to talk about Kathy."

I roll my eyes at him, but I know my smile is growing bigger "You're not that annoying" I say, wishing he hadn't mentioned her name. I'll make my peace with it, and maybe coming to terms with it is what I need to move past it, but I can't say I care for the constant reminder.

He pulls me into a hug, and my muscles start clenching. That's a first "Yeah, I am. All I do is complain lately. And all you got was a lousy pillow. Are you sure you didn't also like the sheets, or the duvet, or whatever?"

"You're joking again!" I note, finally relaxing into the hug.

"You only think I am." I slap his chest playfully "Fine! But see, that means spending the day with you did me a lot of good. Which just proves my point, really."

"Do you even have a point?"

"Of course I do! 'Monica deserves expensive presents from Pottery Barn!'' I snort at that "and of course, Monica is the best friend I could ever have hoped for?" he offers.

I'll take it.

"That's very sweet."

The very thought of it is very comforting, I realize, as he rests his chin on my head. He might be in love with Kathy, and i might have to work on the feeling eating at her gut. But no matter who either of us loves, I am absolutely positive that this kind of bond is unbreakable.

Friendship might just be as powerful as romantic love, after all.

XXXX

Hi! So, this took a while, huh? I really want to thank you all for the reviews, because as always, they are my biggest motivation! I also hope this set the tone for the rest of the story clearly enough.

Also! I've noticed a guest telling me they do remember the original story, and I will only say that this time around there is no baby… at all ;) I've really changed the story a lot, so only the basic concept and… the reason for the old, original title stay the same, all the rest is different!

Chapter 3 is pretty much planned, but as always, I would really like to hear your thoughts, both on what you think of this chapter, AND what you think might happen next! ;D


	3. Chapter 3

I don't dislike Thanksgiving.

I've always liked holidays in general, and I especially appreciate how they bring family together, and all the cooking I get to do.

This year, however? A whole other story. Not only has Chandler spent most of it in a box, I also invited Tim to dinner. Tim Burke. As in, my ex's son.

I hope you can believe even I understand why this is an awful idea.

Everyone came around eventually- it wasn't easy,but in the end they all accepted that I'd invited him, no matter how weird they found it (I can't really say I blame any of them, really).

In the end, it just worked out for the worst: Tim turned out to be way too… familiar, and I do mean that word in its most disturbing meaning, and in the end the only reason I invited him was to get over the idiot in the box.

Better yet: the idiot who _was_ spending Thanksgiving in a box, but now is in his apartment celebrating the fact that he has a girlfriend. If I weren't too worried of sounding like him, you can swear I'd be saying Thanksgiving sucks.

Wanna know the weirdest part? Truth is, that while the idea of spending the day in a box is... bizarre to say the least, I love how much he values his friendship with Joey, and I love that he was willing to do anything to earn forgiveness.

Not even anything within reason.

Anything.

He probably sees himself as a loser sitting on cardboard, but to me, he's just the sweetest guy in the world, willing to go through any kind of ill-fitting punishment to show how much he cares.

I can't help but roll my eyes at myself. I got it _bad_.

"Mon, need help with those plates?" My brother asks, his fight with Rachel obviously not completely worn off yet.

I'm about to protest, but he is the only one who has stuck around after dinner, and I know if I say no, he'd probably just leave. And at the moment? I'm kind of desperate for company, so I nod.

"Not a good day for the Gellers, huh?" I shake my head in shock, then realise he's talking about the Tim fiasco, and I sigh in relief.

"Eh, you guys were right from the beginning. It was a stupid idea. If any of you had done it, I would have judged you as well."

"We weren't judging you, Mon! Listen, I know I gave you the hardest time out of everyone, and I also know this probably means nothing to you now that it's over, but we worry about you, just as much as you worry about us." He says, and I'm glad to notice he means i truthfully.

"You don't have to worry about me. I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions." I reply, but he scoffs "I didn't say they were _smart_ decisions!" I add.

"Mon, you're the one who worries the most! I see how this thing between Chandler and Joey is eating you up, even if they can't."

I shrug simply, trying to seem detached "I care about them."

"Exactly! Just as much as we care about you! We all do, from your big brother, to the guy across the hall who just got himself a girlfriend, but kept asking if you were ok!" He drops a cup in the sink, then rests a hand on my shoulder "I know it came across as if we were all being unsupportive, but we all really love you. We don't want to see you hurt."

I find myself smiling, and it's hard to tell if it's because of my brother –these few heartfelt moments we share are the reason I'm glad I'm not an only child- or the fact he mentioned that Chandler cares about me as well. Deciding it is probably a combination of both, I say "I'm sorry I pointed out that you married a lesbian again."

Ross laughs, and drags me closer to him, pulling me into a hug "Eh, It's fine. I did marry a lesbian. You okay?"

"I'm going to be just fine." After a beat, I add "How's Chandler doing?"

"He's fine really. As I said, when I went over, he asked if you were okay, and he seemed happier than I've seen him in a while. Joey seemed to be alright with the whole situation as well, so I think that problem's solved."

"You think they're going to be okay?"

"Of course they are! It's Chandler and Joey!" he smirks "Joey wouldn't be able to hold a grudge against him if he really wanted. I know there was a moment when it felt like he was too mad to forgive him, but they're almost brothers at this point."

"I hope this thing with Chandler and Kathy works out" I say, amazed at how sincere I sound, only to realize… I _am_ sincere. If nothing else, at least one of us is happy now.

"I do too. With all he's gone through for her, it would be really anticlimactic if either of them were to mess up"

* * *

You know when they say time heals everything, you just have to wait and move past your problems?

That's bullshit.

It's been weeks, and my feelings are growing stronger and stronger. The look on Chandler's face is not helping at all.

He looks happy. And the thing is, I am happy for him, absoutely. And on the one hand, I hope it all works out, because his smile is enough to light up entire rooms lately, and God knows he does deserve a bit of luck, but on the other hand, it's a constant reminder that the person making him happy isn't me.

Not that I really _need_ a reminder. It's in everyone's face, all the time, they're in love and they're together. It affects friendship, just as much as you'd think.

And our boundaries changed.

Don't get me wrong, I don't resent him- or even Kathy- for it, really. Your best friend gets a girlfriend, boundaries change: it's an unspoken rule, but a really clear one nonetheless. It means no more cuddling on the couch at all times, no more sharing the last muffin, and, of course, no more late night chats.

And the thing is, I know how uncomfortable significant others get at the idea of such a tight group of friends, but I never thought I'd have to worry about that with _Chandler_. For all her flaws, Janice had actually fit in the rest of the group quite well, and seemed to be confident enough not to be jealous.

As for the people _I_ dated, they were often too preoccupied about Joey's flashing smile and charming attitude to even worry about Chandler at all.

Talk about irony.

Add that to the fact that I have very little money, sparse catering jobs, and that I'm stuck deciding if I want to keep catering or if I want to work in a restaurant, and you'll understand how I feel.

Still lost in my thoughts, I walk into Central Perk, just to find Chandler sitting on one of the chairs.

Talk about the devil.

He's drowsy and quite obviously tired, but I'm really glad someone's here.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" He asks, as I sit on the couch.

"I could ask you the same question" I reply "Weren't you and Ross going to party with that Gandalf guy?"

"He canceled on us, so we went out with Joey instead. Turns out, we're not as good at partying as we were in college."

"As someone who recently went out with a guy who was mentally stuck in high school, let me tell you, that's not necessarily a bad thing." I assure him.

He smiles, then speaks up again "You still haven't answered me. What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Phoebe. I wrote a list of jobs she could do without me." I say. Honestly, the list is not that good, but I do hope Pheebs likes at least _one_ of them. I really do want to work in a restaurant again.

"Can I read it?"

I pass it over, and he starts reading quietly. After a few seconds, he starts laughing.

"Start a band? Really?"

"What? She plays guitar!" I defend myself lamely "They all suck, don't they?"

"Well, if I'm being honest, they kinda do. But hey, you never know with Phoebe. She might actually like some of these. And there's quite a lot I can see her considering. She's definitely done weirder stuff."

"You think so?"

"Sure." He says, leaving the chair to sit next to me on the couch. "And if nothing else, she's going to appreciate how hard you tried."

"I hope so."

"She will! Soon enough, you'll be a chef again!" He hugs me, and suddenly my worries about boundaries are out of the window. Kathy's not here, and he's my best friend. And I've never been one to turn down a display of affection. I'll worry about it when she comes back.

And even then, I'll give up everything but the hugs.

"I'm sorta hungry." He says suddenly "What do you say we go upstairs and order pizza?"

I just nod, my arm still draped around him. "Make it a Joey special."

* * *

I swear, Joey's got a superpower.

We'd only been home for about thirty seconds, and he entered my apartment just as Chandler dialed the pizza place. Food attracts him like nothing else.

The three of us are munching on it, and I'm pretty sure he just ate a whole pizza by himself.

I wonder how he's not overweight.

"The thing is, everyone at the restaurant is related to the guy I got fired, so I hope they don't end up hating me. I mean, it's not like _I_ fired him, you know?"

"Oh, definitely. I'm sure they'll like you, don't worry." Chandler says, as I stroke his arm for comfort, and Joey nods in agreement.

"You really think so?'"

"Of course I do! I cannot believe that in a room full of people, no one would notice how great Monica Geller is." He elaborates, and I instantly put my elbow on the table to rest my chin on the back of my hand.

"Is that so?"

He rolls his eyes at my antics, then continues "I mean, I'd think so. I've been hanging out with you for the last ten years, you must be doing _something_ right."

I reach for my hair and smile as he gets up to get a beer. I feel Joey's eyes on me, but he says nothing, so I pretend I don't notice.

"I hope they see it the same way. I'm kinda nervous." I confess to them both, and in a way, to myself as well.

"You have no reason to be! And you know what? Even if they do end up disliking you, so what? You're the head chef, they just have to accept you're working with them."

Well, that's actually a step back "I don't want them to dislike me! I hate it when people don't like me!" I whine, pulling at the hem of his sleeve.

"I'm not saying they will dislike you, I'm just saying, it shouldn't matter. I do believe that they'll love you, though!"

"Yeah?"

"Of course." Joey interjects "I can't see why they wouldn't."

I grin at both of them "Thanks, guys."

Chandler kisses my forehead and I can feel myself literally beaming at him "Anyway, I gotta go. I have to pick up Kathy at the airport first thing in the morning"

My smile suddenly disappears "She's coming back tomorrow?"

"Yes!" He replies, _his_ smile getting bigger. "That was the longest week of my life!"

I fake a giggle, hoping he'll buy itand it looks like he did. "Excited for her to come back?"

He looks at Joey before answering, probably trying to figure out whether he's okay with him talking about Kathy. "I am" he says in the end, trying to sound cool.

He shuts the door closed behind him, and I can finally acknowledge that Joey hasn't stopped staring at me.

"What?"

"What was that about?" He asks.

"What was _what_ about?"

"The shameless flirting" He states simply.

I think I'm about to panic, and try to come up with an excuse off the top of my head. But then, I realize Joey is being ridiculous. Sharing your fears about a new workplace definitely doesn't count as 'flirting'. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He shakes his head at me "I know you didn't _know_ you were flirting, but you were! You were batting your eyelashes, and you stroke his arm while he spoke, and you were totally playing with your hair! Hell, you were _reaching_ for him! Did you honestly not notice?"

"I wasn't doing any of that! And I was definitely not _flirting_! Joe, it's Chandler! He's my best friend, we're close!"

"Mon, I know flirting when I see it!" he says, then adds "Really, what is going on?"

Desperate to change the subject, I make a sound at him "You do not know flirting! The first time I offered you lemonade, you took it as an invitation to undress!"

He seems to consider the thought, but just when I think I have him off my back, he chuckles "Yes! But you had a crush on me back then!"

I stare at him, and when I see his eyes growing wider I know _now_ is the time to panic . "Oh no. No- Joey, don't..."

"You have a crush on Chandler!" He cries out, pointing his finger at me.

"Joe, I know this seems like it's a huge deal..."

"BECAUSE IT IS!"

"No! Joey, it's not! I'm trying to get over it, okay?" I explain, calmly "I will get over it, just please don't tell anyone?" I ask, trying to sound as collected as possible. Last thing I want is him spilling the beans because he's overwhelmed by the news.

He shakes his head "Mon, this is perfect! The two of you are meant to be together!"

"No, Joe, we aren't. He has Kathy. And I guess I just miss having a boyfriend? There's nothing more to it, I swear."

He laughs at me, and it takes every ounce of self control i possess to not just tell him everything and get it over with. "Don't try it with me! You don't miss having a boyfriend! You didn't have a boyfriend for a whole year at times, and this never happened before!"

I shrug "Whatever. Chandler has Kathy, and he's in love with her."

Joey just stares at me, and the smirk on his face disappears " I guess he does have Kathy. You're really not gonna do anything about it?" He asks, his voice hopeful.

"There's not much I can do, is there? I mean, I'm not going to mess with his life over a… crush."

He makes a face, and it's obvious he doesn't believe me. "Right. I guess there isn't."

His questioning look is making me uncomfortable, so I settle for looking at my feet. "I'll get over it, Joe, really! But since I'm not going to do anything about it, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone."

"Fine" He conceeds "Are you really not going to tell him anything?"

I exhaled loudly in frustration "Of course not! Why would I?"

"...So that he would know?"

"I don't want him to know! Stop trying to make this into a big deal!"

"It is a big deal! I mean... it's great!"

Now it's my turn to stare at him. I cannot believe my own ears "How is this great?"

"Mon... I know you're saying it's just a crush, and maybe it is! And I admit I'd never thought about it, but now that you mention it? It makes total sense! You and Chandler make way more sense than any other relationship the two of you ever had!"

I smile at the sentiment, then shake my head "That's really sweet, Joe, but we both know it's not going to happen. He has a girlfriend."

Joey sighs loudly, then stands still, silent, as if taking in the information "Are you gonna be alright?" he asks finally.

I grin, happy I convinced him. "Of course. Can I count on you to keep it a secret?"

"I will. For what it's worth, I really meant what i said. About the two of you making sense."

"I know you do. And thank you."

He makes a move towards the door, but I stop him. "Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I really that obvious? I mean, you don't think he noticed as well, right?"

He seems to actually consider the possibilty before answering "I don't think he did. You're pretty lucky, Chandler is pretty oblivious to this kind of thing."

I nod. Man's got a point. "Right. Thanks."

He smiles as he leaves, and when he does, I feel a sudden wave of relief. I still have unrequited feelings for my best friend, but at least now, I know I don't have to face them all by myself.

XXX

Mmm, soooo… based on this and Beauty and the Slob, who can tell what my fave friendship for Monica is? ;) This is like…. Super duper late btw, but I had a major case of writer's block, so I just hope I didn't disappoint all of you! Btw I know this is moving veeery slowly but I promise I know where it is going, so bear with me!

As always, feedback is not only appreciated, but also my biggest motivation!


	4. Chapter 4

Chandler knows nothing.

My colleagues didn't end up liking me, like he said they would. At all. Actually, I feel like even saying they hate me is putting it lightly.

And you know what sucks? Christmas is approaching and I just can feel myself growing more and more depressed. The pretty lights and decorations are just barely making up for the lack of boyfriend, or the awful way I'm being treated at work.

Granted, now that I've hired Joey at the restaurant my job is considerably less lonely, which is already _something_ , but it doesn't look like my life is gonna get easier any day soon.

I had also completely forgotten that we were supposed to buy a Christmas present for Secret Santa exchange, and while Phoebe isn't at all hard to please, my mind is just not in it anymore.

Once at home, I immediately head for the shower, hoping to release at least some of the stress I feel, until, of course I'm interrupted by a familiar voice calling me from the kitchen.

After asking for a few more minutes, I get out in only my bathrobe, the sudden contact with the cool air giving me goosebumps. "What's up, honey?"

"Hey Mon! I'm sorry I interrupted your shower." Chandler says with a grin, as if he's never seen me like this.

His impish smile looks almost childlike, so I roll my eyes at him, trying not to laugh. I can't say I mind having that effect on him. "It's fine. I'd been in there for a while anyway. Did you need anything?"

It takes him a while to start talking "Yeah! I mean…I don't usually ask for these favors to you girls, but I figured you'd be more suited to help than Ross or Joey, y'know?"

I can't help but laugh at his antics. Whatever he's here for, he's obviously embarrassed about it. "Chandler, what is it?"

"Do you want to help me choose a Christmas present?"

I'm kind of confused, so I just stare before speaking up "I thought you were going to give Ross the suitcase you got with his initials engraved? The one you got for Rachel at first?"

"It's not for the Secret Santa thing. It's for Kathy. I can't decide what to get her for Christmas"

My cheekiness disappears instantly, and before I know it, I've started stuttering. He looks taken aback by my reaction and I'd feel guilty if I weren't too surprised to feel anything else. Of all the things I had planned for this holiday seasons, this was not one of them.

"Mon? It's okay if you don't want to. I know you have a job, and friends to look after. It's alright if you don't wanna come with me." he says, getting closer to hug me "I only asked you because I trust your judgement, and I had fun when we went shopping together last time" he adds, pressing a kiss to my temple, the sudden contact immediately comforting.

I pull him closer, my skin warming up despite being barely covered, the cold already forgotten. "I can help."

"You can?"

"Of course!" I tell him, my grip on him getting unashamedly tighter "Did you have something in mind?"

He breaks off the hug to sit down on the armchair, then gestures for me to sit next to him. I do as he requests, and he wraps his arm around my shoulder as I scoot closer to him and rest my head on his chest. I swear, I could stay here forever. "I have actually no idea. At first I thought I might buy her jewellery, to be all _boyfriend of the year_ ," he jokes "but then I realized Kathy doesn't really wear any jewellery at all, and I don't want to get her something that implies I never even look at her."

"Alright. Then we can cross that off the list?"

"There's a list?" Off my glare he continues "Yeah, definitely. I want something really meaningful, like the book I got for her birthday."

"Honey, on that same day you admitted you could find nothing better than that" I remind him, looking up "Give yourself a more reasonable goal."

"That's quite some advice, coming from miss 'I absolutely have to be the best at everything''' he smirks, squeezing my shoulder. That's a valid point. "Any ideas?"

I half shrug, settling against him and letting out a sigh "What does she like?"

"Umm, well I know she likes going to the movies and to the theatre, obviously, since she's an actress, but that's about it? I mean, we've talked about our interests and stuff, but nothing comes to mind that I could turn into a present."

"Well... What about tickets to a play? Would that do?"

"Mmm" he mutters "I guess. I mean, I kinda thought of that, and I could do that too, but I really wish I could get her something she can keep as well."

"A book?"

"Mon, I already got her one for her birthday."

"I'm being no help at all, am I?" I ask, my eyes almost closing as a combination of the warm shower and the heat of his body. I cuddle closer almost instinctively. He doesn't seem to mind, or notice, as he starts tracing patterns on my back.

Almost ten years of shared personal space come with their advantages.

"Hey don't say that!" looking at me, he adds "And don't fall asleep _now_!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just very warm and cozy right now." As he keeps looking at me expectantly, I continue with a sigh "I'm sorry, I don't really know Kathy that much, so all I can give you is generic advice, I guess."

"That's okay. Generic advice is still better than no advice at all, huh? Besides, I think we're approaching this the wrong way."

"What do you mean?" I ask, almost drifting off again.

"I mean that we live in New York city, and I'm pretty sure there's lots of stores that sell great presents for your girlfriend!"

"Fine" I say finally, disentangling from his arms and finally standing up, the word 'girlfriend' hurting me infinitely more than it should. The loss of contact is almost painful, but probably needed. The constant closeness is –shockingly- not helping my feelings at all. "Do you want me to go get dressed, so I can come shopping with you?"

He scratches his ear, and it's obvious he didn't see this coming, which is fair. I _was_ about to fall asleep just a minute ago. "I don't know, Mon, you seem pretty tired, and you just took a warm shower, and it's not like we can't go tomorrow."

"I'm not that tired, and I have a killer shift tomorrow. If you give me a half hour, we can leave now."

* * *

I have to admit, I'm having fun.

I had imagined going present hunting for Kathy would have just reminded me that Chandler is in love with someone else, and I'd been afraid he'd end up spending the whole time talking about how amazing she was, but Chandler seems more enthralled with trying to find something that could be a good gift to be as obnoxiously in love as I feared.

He's offered me some coffee to go, and we're just strolling down the streets, looking around, pointing out random things and discussing them, just enjoying ourselves. The cool hair has woken me up from my half-slumber and Manhattan _does_ look really pretty with all the Christmas lights and decorations.

Besides, as I probably should have expected, Chandler has stopped actually looking for a present ten minutes after leaving, and is now pointing out every tacky or ugly item he sees in the windows to make fun of it, coming up with a quick joke and then waiting for me to laugh.

To be completely honest, I'm having a lot of fun.

"You know what, I should just get Kathy that glass cat with the Santa hat we saw ten minutes ago."

"That is one original way to get a girl to break up with you!"

"Right?" he laughs "Who even buys stuff like that?"

"I don't know Chandler, I guess the kind of guy who has a huge ceramic dog at his place?" I joke.

"Oh, someone's being a smartass!"

"Maybe!" I grin "What are you gonna do about it, huh?"

"Be proud of it! I'm pretty sure it's a side effect of hanging out with me so much!" he replies "I hope it's worth it!"

I bite my lower lip, before I say something that gives me away, settling for a simple "Of course it is."

"The only bad news is we've been around for two hours, and we still have nothing." He looks at his watch "Do you think we should just go home?"

"We don't have to" I say almost immediately, not wanting the best hours I've had in a while to end so quickly. "We can keep looking for a little while."

"Are you sure? I'm fine with spending another hour going from shop to shop just to dislike everything I see, but I definitely understand if you don't."

"It's fine, really. I'm enjoying this."

He looks at me, looking for any sign that might tell him I'm lying, and when he finds none, he smiles in relief "Thank you Mon. You're the best."

"And don't you forget it." I tell him coyly, but I feel a sudden burst of warmth through my body-one I'm sure wasn't induced by my hot coffee- so I look for a way to change the subject. "I love those earrings" I say, stopping outside of a shop.

'"I thought we ruled out jewels?" He asks, joining me to look at them, resting his hands on my shoulders.

I shake my head "I don't mean as a present for Kathy. I just meant I love those earrings. Since we're not getting anything done, I might as well look around."

"Alright. So, you really like them?"

"Yeah. Sapphires are my favourite. They've actually had these for a long time though, I remember coming here years ago and seeing them."

"I'm no expert but I gotta say, they are really pretty."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! And they'd look really good on you. Why don't you buy them?"

I snort "Chandler, you do know the reason we're doing Secret Santa this year is that we're sorta broke, right?"

"Right. Hey, maybe Santa will get them for you!"

"Chandler, you're not my Secret Santa, and even if you were, I don't want you to buy me that sort of stuff. What would Kathy think?" I say sadly, hoping he won't pick up on the tone.

He shrugs, but doesn't look convinced. "Maybe you're right."

"Come on, I know there's a great store down the street. Maybe we can still find something for her."

* * *

"I'm sorry" Chandler says, defeated, as we step into my apartment again. I look up at him curiously.

"What?"

"Oh come on! We spent three hours wandering around Manhattan looking for a present for Kathy and found absolutely nothing! And you know what the worst part is?"

"What is the worst part, Chandler?" I ask, sitting down. I'm not really sure I want to know what it is.

"I didn't even ask if you needed to buy something for Secret Santa!"

I can't help but laugh in relief. "Honey, it's okay, I got Phoebe! She thought the toilet seat covers you and Joey bought her were a great gift! I mean, it's not like I could do worse than that!"

He chuckles "Right. I'm still sorry I made you come with me just to buy nothing." He says, sitting down on the couch. I sit on the coffee table, in front of him.

"I don't mind."

"You don't?"

"Chandler, you're my best friend. Of course I don't mind spending time with you!"

He pulls me in a hug before I can even notice "I kinda like spending time with you as well, Mon."

I feel my face split in a smile as I pull back "Really?"

"Of course! You're still one of my favourite people!"

I know it's a joke, but I decide to believe he means it. Before I know it, I hear myself say "Thank you"

"Thank _you_ Mon." He kisses my forehead lightly "I really appreciate your help."

"That's what friends do, right?"

"It is!" He looks straight in my eyes for a moment, making me suddenly uncomfortable. "Can I ask you a question?"

I immediately break the eye contact, as subtly as I can "Sure."

"What's wrong?"

My eyes grow wider and I know my breathe just stopped. Cautiously, I ask "What do you mean?"

"I mean I know something's bugging you, and I know part of it is work stuff, but I feel like there's more to it." He says sincerely, taking my hand. I gently wave him off, thinking we've shared more than enough touches for today. "What's going on with you?"

"Well there's the jerks who are treating me like crap at work..." he rolls his eyes, and I try to come up with something on the spot "and you know, it's the holidays, and I have no boyfriend or occasional date. You know, my last date was... uh.. the Thanksgiving accident" I stutter finally.

"Is that what's eating you up? That you don't have a boyfriend?" He tilts his head, and I immediately know he didn't buy it. Great.

I just look down at my hands, concentrating on how they are splayed neatly on my lap "Kinda"

He lifts my chin in an attempt to make me look up, and it feels like too much. We can't keep doing this, no matter how innocent he thinks it is. "So, that's it? You want a date? Because you could have just asked one of us to set you up." He states, and I hate that I'm lying, and I hate that he knows I'm lying, but what other choice do I have?

"I know, but it's just… I'm not really in the mood to date anyway." Off his stare, I continue "Really! Listen, I know it sounds weird, but even though I want a boyfriend I just... don't wanna go on a date right now. I feel like I have enough to handle without throwing that into the mix. You get that?"

He shrugs, relaxing "I guess. I certainly know blind dates don't always turn out for the best"

"Exactly! I don't think I wanna put myself through that, at least not right now."

He sighs, then stands up "Okay. But if you need anything, will you tell me?" I nod, and he relents "Fine. I'm supposed to meet Joey downstairs, wanna come?"

I shake my head "I'm kind of too tired for that, I'm going to watch some TV and go to bed."

"Alright. Goodnight Mon." He says, but he looks like he's considering something, and he doesn't make a move to indicate he's going anywhere.

"I'll be fine! I'm just tired, I promise."

He kisses my forehead and I make a mental note that we _really_ need to stop doing this, and he still doesn't seem to want to move. "Mon?"

"Yeah?" I say, with a hint of annoyance.

"I really don't want to push the issue, but when you finally want to talk about what's wrong, you do know you can talk to me, right?"

I honestly feel like just telling him everything –something I've thought about doing for weeks- mostly because I hate that he thinks I'm lying to him, or that he thinks I feel like I can't tell him stuff- but then I remember he has Kathy, and I just can't bring myself to mess with his head, or his relationship.

"I will."

I don't know if he finally believed me, or if he just doesn't want to insist, but he nods and leaves with a half-smile, closing the door behind him.

I definitely need to get better at lying.

 **XXX**

 **Sooooo… I cannot tell where this is going. I know perfectly what's gonna happen next chapter (continuation to this one), I know very well what the ending of this story is, but I don't know how to get there. I do know that I loved writing this chapter (is it too weird reading about a Christmas setting in September? :P) and I'd love even more to know what you guys think! Reviews are what keeps me going ;D**


	5. Chapter 5

"You definitely need to get better at lying."

I look up from the magazine I was reading to look at Joey, who just entered the apartment. Something's telling me he's not in a good mood. "What brought this up, Joe?"

"You mean _who_ brought it up! Chandler's been bugging me the whole day!"

He gets closer, and if I didn't know Joey is essentially the human embodiment of a big koala bear, I'd probably be intimidated by his look.

"About what?"

"Oh come on, he's not stupid! He knows something's up with you, and because I've spent the most time with you this week, he thinks I should be able to tell him what it is! And I keep telling him it's probably work stuff, but I don't think he believes it!"

"I'm sorry. I'll try to tone it down." I say guiltily. I'm glad I shared -or half shared- my secret to someone, but I know how much Joey hates lying, especially to Chandler. It's not a nice position for him.

He looks at me, and I swear he looks worried, something I don't often see in him. He sits next to me, and takes the magazine from my hands. "Do the girls know?"

I shake my head "They don't. I don't want people to know, Joey, we've been over this!"

"Right, okay. Okay! Don't get defensive on me! I'm just asking! So, nobody knows, other than me?"

"Well _I_ know it too…" I say, frustrated. He rolls his eyes at me, and I guess I deserve it.

"Just because you like him doesn't mean you have to be a smartass like him."

Touché.

"Sorry."

He smiles, then adds "Do you need to talk?"

I appreciate what he's trying to do, really, but it feels weird to even think about talking to Joey about the unrequited feelings I have. I've definitely had unrequited feelings before, but it's usually Phoebe and Rachel I go to when I need advice. This is all new to the both of us.

"I don't… know?"

"Mon, I don't want you to feel pressured, and if you want to keep it a secret that's fine! I'll handle it! I just want to know if you're okay."

His eyebrows furrow and he starts staring at me, and I feel like maybe telling him wasn't a great idea after all. Sure, sharing it with someone felt liberating, but right now I feel like he's expecting me to _do_ something about it, and I know for a fact I'm not ready for it.

Besides, Joey hates keeping secrets.

"There's not much to it, really. I love him, he loves someone else. It's as simple as that."

He buries his face in his hands, which is an odd reaction to have. It's not like I'm telling him anything new.

"You _love_ him? You said it was just a crush!"

Oh. So much for that.

"Joe…"

"Mon, you need to face this! No wonder he thinks you're miserable, you go Christmas shopping for Kathy together and you _love_ him?"

"Hey! I did not look miserable then, I had fun!" Off his questioning look, I add "I did! I enjoyed it!"

"Well, you look miserable _now_! And don't tell me it's about work! I still see some of the guys from the restaurant and I know they've been treating you a lot better since you fired me!"

I shrug it off. "It's not about work, Joey. I look miserable because I _am_ miserable. There's not much I can do about it." I admit openly. If he's gonna have to keep lying for me, he deserves the full truth. "You're right, I should just get better at lying, at least untill I figure it out."

He hugs me, and I instantly feel better. It's short lived, but comforting. "You know what? Scratch that, pretend I didn't say it. Bottling things up is obviously not helping. Don't do that. You need to open up."

"Joe, I can't tell him, I…"

"No, I know, he has Kathy, you can't tell him about your feelings, I get it! I do! That's why I asked if you needed to talk, or if you told the girls! I know you keep saying this is not a big deal, but it's big enough that he noticed something's wrong! He's worried about you, he thinks you're mad at him."

It's my turn to look exasperated. "I'm not mad at him!"

"I'm not saying you are! It's just... he thinks you are, and he won't change his mind if you keep hiding in here!"

"I'm not!"

He gives me a look, and I exhale "I just... everytime I come to your place he's with Kathy, Joe."

"Right. And what are you going to do, exactly? Avoid him untill you get over him, or untill he breaks up with her?"

He's not wrong. I'm not handling this the best way.

"I'm being a bad friend, huh?"

He shrugs, then touches my head. "Next time he asks, just be vague or something. But don't lie to him, okay?"

The advice is definitely not the worst –probably better than Chandler's would be if we're being fair- and in a way, I think Joey might have found the solution to this problem. Maybe being vague is not a bad idea. It surely won't fix anything, but it's not like this can get any worse.

"I'm sorry I fired you."

"Forget about it. That's why you hired me in the first place, right?"

"Still, I know you really need the money."

"Hey, I literally haul food from your fridge on a daily basis. You're allowed to fire me from a job I didn't really want, it's fine."

I smile, but he's still frowning at me "You gonna be okay, Mon?"

"Of course I'm gonna be okay!" I say, in what is hopefully a convincing tone "You'll see, I'll get over it in no time."

He raises an eyebrow, and it's clear I went a step too far, but he pretends to not notice and finally lets it go. "Alright. I've got an audition right now, but Phoebe is downstairs if you don't feel like being alone. Chandler's across the hall, but Kathy's with him, so I'd stay away? I have no idea where Ross and Rach…"

"I'll be fine, Joe. But thanks for the heads up on… y'know." I say, gesturing towards the door. I'm not openly avoiding Chandler and Kathy, but I can't deny being in their presence can get a little overwhelming.

"No problem. "

XXX

Central Perk is definitely one of my favourite places in the world, but it gets even better as Christmas approaches. Gunther's filled it with decorations, and there's a tree right behind the place where Phoebe is singing.

It's very pretty.

"Hey, did you like my new Christmas song?" Phoebe asks, approaching.

"I loved it, Pheebs."

"Thank you! It's nice, right?!" She says enthusiastically, and I smile at her. Her happiness is contagious. "Don't you think I should make it longer, though?"

"I think it's perfect the way it is."

She smiles at me, and for a moment, I forget how sad I was feeling just a few minutes ago.

"Are you okay, Mon?"

Yeah, right.

"Of course I'm okay, Pheebs."

She sits right in front of me, crossing her legs on the couch like a child, but the look on her face is very serious. "Are you?"

I shrug. "Sure?"

"Mon, it's me. You can tell me anything."

"I'm fine, Pheebs. I'm just a bit overworked."

"Oh! Is this what it is? How are the jerks treating you?" She asks, and I'm glad I can talk to her without getting into a dangerous zone.

"Better, actually! They're all being nicer, and I really enjoy working in a restaurant again! I'm just… working more than usual? I'm tired." I offer. She seems to buy it.

"Is that really all, Mon?"

"It is." I say simply, and she hugs me. Everyone seems to do that a lot lately.

I can't say how much I appreciate it.

"Hey girls!"

We turn around to see Chandler, thankfully by himself. He sits next to me, and asks "What's going on?"

We both shrug, as if to say we're just hugging for no reason, which isn't entirely untrue. Out of nowhere, he rests his head on my back and grabs Phoebe's shoulder, holding us close. She starts giggling, and after a few seconds I do the same. It's a silly moment, but it definitely helps cheer me up.

"I thought you were with Kathy?" Phoebe asks, as soon as we break off the hug.

"I was! But she's pretty late on packing, so she left. I'm seeing her tonight, just before dinner."

"It sucks you can't spend Christmas together." I say, with no hints of sarcasm. I know how much he looked forward to spending the holidays with her.

"Well we've spent all week and most of Christmas Eve together! We've only been dating for a month, there's no reason for me to meet her parents."

I nod, his comment making me feel a lot warmer. When you're sulking as much as I admittedly am, it's hard to lose track of the fact he's not been dating her that long at all.

"By the way, what time do we have to be at your place?" Phoebe asks me.

"I don't know, around eight? There's no reason to have dinner early, really, if we're opening presents after midnight."

"Great! I'll go see if my grandma needs anything, and we'll see each other tonight, okay?"

She waves goodbye as I'm left alone with Chandler. He still has one hand on my back from before, as if it's the most natural thing in the world, and yet, I feel incredibly uncomfortable around him.

"I was kind of hoping she would leave." He whispers in my ear, and for a good minute I wonder if my head's playing a trick on me.

"Umm… what?"

He reaches inside the internal pockets of his coat, and shows me a rectangular package wrapped in blue paper. "This is for you."

"Chandler, you didn't have to…"

"I know!" He justifies himself, and God, do I hate how weird things feel between us right now. "Just… just open it."

I gently unwrap the packet, and I find a lined notebook, and what looks like a matching planner. They're both blue, with a pretty teal pattern.

"I love it." I tell him, and he smiles.

"I knew you would!" He says proudly, patting the cover of the notebook "I thought you might need a new notebook, you know, to write in recipes, now that you're head chef in a restaurant? And then I saw the planner and _look"_ He takes the planner from my hands and opens it on the first page "It's color coded! And everything's got its place!"

I laugh at the point he's trying to make, and nod "Well, I definitely appreciate this kind of organization." I say simply.

"Right? I… I was in the store, looking for Christmas presents, and then I saw that, and I immediately thought of you. And see? It's _blue._ You like blue, right?"

"I do!" I smile and, despite my best effort, I find myself hugging him. "I love it, Chandler. Thank you."

"Don't mention it! I mean, I wanted to thank you for all the time you spent with me last week…"

"Chandler, you don't ha-" I try to interject, but he interrupts me.

"No, I know! I know, I'm not your Santa, and I know you're going to say you didn't mind coming with me…"

"I didn't! Chandler, you're my best friend!"

He looks sad for a split moment, then says "I'm sorry I made things weird."

Well, there you go.

"What?"

"Last week! I kept pushing you because I wanted you to tell me what was bothering you, and I obviously upset you enough that you feel like you need to avoid me."

"I'm not avoiding you! We still see each other every day!" I say, shocked.

"Yeah, for what, five minutes? We spent all of last week together and _this_ is the first time we talk after I asked you what was going on."

He _does_ have a point, but I don't think he's being fair at all. "Kathy wasn't here last week, Chandler. It's one thing when she's not here, but I don't feel like hanging out with the two of you, if you're gonna be making out and no one else is there."

A half-truth –or a vague answer- is better than an outright lie, right?

"I don't want you to feel like we can't hang out when Kathy's around, Mon."

"I don't! I just… wanted to give you some privacy, that's all."

He doesn't look too sure, but he starts to relax "So, you're not mad at me?"

"Of course I'm not mad at you." I take his hands, and he looks instantly relieved.

"So, we're okay?"

"We're okay."

"I'm still sorry I pushed you, when you obviously didn't want to talk about it."

I shake my head in disagreement. The last thing I want is for him to feel guilty when he did nothing wrong. "You didn't. I've just been really sad, and tired. It was not you at all." I tell him honestly. None of this is his fault.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Was I wrong when I said it was not just about work?"

I shake my head again. "No, you were right. Definitely not just work stuff."

He knows me too well.

"What did you buy for Kathy in the end?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

"Oh, I just bought tickets to a play, like you said." He says simply "I couldn't really think of a better idea, and I didn't find anything I liked better than that anyway."

Oh.

"Well, I'm glad I could help."

He kisses my cheek and stands up "Do you want to do something? I only have to meet Kathy at six, which means I got a few spare hours before I need to leave."

I'm still a little uncomfortable around him, and I definitely don't want him to sense anything, but the prospect of hanging out in my living room watching Christmas movie is definitely not the worst.

"Sure. _It's a wonderful life_?"

"You know me too well, Mon."

 **So... how late am I? I'm posting part two of the Christmas chapter on Halloween right, ironically enough, and I'm really unsure about this chapter? I hope you guys like it though and as always, feedback is appreciated :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**I live!**

 **Damn, I haven't updated this thing, or been on here, in like... three months. I am really sorry you guys, but I was really, really too busy to turn on the computer at all on most days! The good news is I'm working a lighter shift now, and there's no Holiday season ahead, so the rest of the fic should be faster!**

 **Also damn! So many amazing fanfic has been written/updated these few months, I'm going to have to catch up on reviewing as well :P**

 **Again, sorry everyone for the huge delay, I hope the fact this chapter is the longest one yet makes up for it!**

It feels… unreal.

I just gave sex advice to the guy I like.

And I don't mean like generic 'just relax' or 'try asking what she likes' advice. I had a drawing and highlighted the seven most important erogenous zones, came up with a series of sequences and gave him as much of a detailed description as possible as to what usually works.

Overwhelming is not a strong enough word.

The weird part, however, is that not only did it not feel weird, it was actually _fun._ As soon as I stopped thinking about the fact that Chandler was going to have sex with Kathy, giving that kind of advice to my best friend felt almost exhilarating.

What came next is what the problem really is.

Kathy's at work, as is Joey, and Chandler's decided to hang out here. That wouldn't usually be a problem, but it becomes one when he chooses me as his cuddle buddy, and I have decided that our closeness should be restricted to a minimum, at least until I get over him.

It's also a problem that he seems to be picking up on the pattern, and dejectedly sat a little to straight, obviously uncomfortable.

The fact that Rachel is also in the room is the only thing to make the situation slightly less awkward.

"It'd be really brave, huh?" Rachel asks, out of the blue. Both Chandler and I stare at her curiously, so she elaborates. "Phoebe having a child for Frank and Alice. I don't know if I could do it."

"Yeah, I wouldn't know how to deal with it either" I agree "you know with, the pregnancy and then giving birth, and then having to give the baby away… I don't think I'd be able to do it." I state simply. I've always wanted a child, so the idea of having one for someone else just feels _weird_ to me. Phoebe and I are definitely very different people, though. And most importantly, it looks like she's actually thinking it through, instead of just taking a rushed decision.

"I think she knows what she's doing" Chandler says "I know it's a bit… out there, but that's just… Phoebe, right? Besides, it looks like she's taking this really seriously, she's not going to just accept unless she's sure she can do it."

We really need to stop having the same thoughts. It's starting to creep me out, honestly.

"I think so too" I say quietly.

We all just stay quiet for a bit until I break the silence again. "Do you think you'll ever want kids?" I ask Chandler, who looks at me in shock. Rachel is also giving me a strange look, but who cares? We've known each other since we were both teenagers and I still don't know this about him.

"What brought this on?" He asks, suddenly defensive. "Is this because of Kathy?"

"I haven't spoken to Kathy in weeks Chandler. I'm just curious, I swear." Why he'd think Kathy and I are close enough to speak about this sort of stuff is beyond me, but Chandler's always been known to freak out whenever someone mentions anything related to commitment, so I let that go.

""I don't… know? I mean, I never really thought about it."

Fair enough. "Oh. Ok."

"I mean… I guess… the idea of a family is nice? But… I don't wanna be that type of person, you know?"

"What type of person?" Rachel asks. I really don't want to push him, but I can't blame her for asking either. He's not making any sense whatsoever.

"I just… If I ever do have a kid, I want it to be bcause I really wanted it. I don't want it to be because it's a step you have to take in life, or because the person I'm with wants one, and I'm afraid we'll break up if I don't cave in. I just… I would actually love to have a kid, but having one has to feel right." He rambles,

He just stares at us, trying to read our brains and figure out if we understood his answer, and I for one definitely did. "You guys get what I'm saying don't you?"

Rachel seems to have lost interest in the conversation, but I definitely haven't. "I do. It makes perfect sense, actually."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Having a child's never supposed to be an obligation." I tell him.

He squeezes my shoulder and I smile at him.

"Do you see yourself having a kid with Kathy?" Rachel asks, and Chandler just looks at her pointedly.

"We've only been dating for a month." He says shortly, immediately defensive again.

"Do you know if she wants any?"

"Again, Rach, we've only been dating for a month. I don't know." You can see by his look how annoyed he is. It's a good thing Kathy doesn't hang out with us more often, or she'd think Rachel is actively trying to get him worked up. Hell, I know Rachel, and even to me it looks like she's unnecessarily trying to make him even more insecure.

When I think about it, it's also a good thing Kathy didn't have to witness my sex lesson. Whether she finds out or not, I'm just glad she didn't have to see it, for both her sake and mine.

"That's ok. You don't have to think about it right now." I tell him, and Rachel just grabs the remote to turn on the TV.

Not completely satisfied with how the situation is going, Chandler keeps going. "Besides, Mon, you should already know the answer to this one."

I look at him curiously "How's that?"

"Well, I offered to have a child with you when we're forty, remember?"

Oh. That. I give him a look. "That doesn't count! You were kidding!"

He chuckles and kisses my forehead, and Rachel is suddenly interested in watching us again.

"You only think I was."

XXX

This just turned into one of the worst days of my life.

Remember when I said the whole sex advice thing was fun? I take that back.

Kathy just came here and thanked me for it.

I mean, I'd be pretty happy about that, under any other circumstances, and I guess I should be grateful that she didn't take any offense at the fact I gave her _boyfriend_ sex advice in the first place.

But damn.

Seeing her crawl into my apartment looking so _happy_ , and _cheery,_ and thouroughly _satisfied_ definitely did me no good.

Knowing what the reason for her happiness was, hurt more than it should have.

I feel like sulking on the couch all day.

"Hey."

Well, there goes that plan.

"Hi Joe."

"What are you up to, Mon?"

"Not much, really. Rachel left a couple of hours ago, and I've been watching TV ever since."

"Okay, what's wrong?"

Oh good. He noticed something's up, just what I needed. "Nothing's wrong, Joey." I say, a little too fast.

He tilts his head, and he's got that worried look he's been sporting every other day since I told him about the thing, and while I appreciate him trying to be supportive, the fact that 'the look' makes it seem like I'm about to burst in tears at any given moment is more annoying than I can express.

I sigh, giving up. He's the only person with whom I can talk about this, so I might as well.

"Kathy came over."

His eyes grow wide, the way they always do, and I almost immediately know what he's thinking "Does she know…"

"Of course not, Joe." I reassure him.

"Oh. Then why is that bumming you out? She's come over quite often the past week."

Here comes the embarrassing part. "Well, she looked exactly like she'd just… you know."

Joey nods in understanding, never one not to catch a sex reference. He cringes after just a beat. "Sorry. That must have sucked for you. But I mean, they've been going out for a month, Mon. You knew this would happen eventually, and it actually happened a lot later than I would've expected."

He makes a very valid and solid point. "I know. That's not what the worst part is, though."

"Oh." He sits down on the coffee table "What is the worst part?"

"It's kind of my fault."

He almost looks panicky for a moment, and again, it's not hard to understand where his mind is. "Do you mean you and Kathy…."

Before he can even finish the sentence, I grab a magazine and strike the side of his head with it "Joey!"

"Ow! Well, you're going to have to explain yourself better if you want me to understand what's going on! How is it your fault that she looked like she had sex?"

You know, for someone who drew a naked woman to tell Chandler what to do, actually hearing someone say the words is upsetting me more than you would expect. "Well, I kinda gave Chandler advice."

"Wait… what?"

"You heard me right Joe. I gave Chandler sex advice."

"Wait… you mean stuff like 'just be yourself' or 'just let it happen', right? Cause that stuff hardly helps at all, Mon, don't worry."

"No, I mean, like legit advice. I had a sketch and sequences and everything. I even asked Rachel for support."

Joey is literally looking at me like I've grown wings, or a third eye. "Did you really give the guy advice on how to have sex with his girlfriend?" He asks, a bit louder than I'm sure he intended.

"Well, I didn't expect her to come here to thank me for it!" I defend myself.

"She thanked you for it?"

I nod.

"But why, why would you do that?"

"Joe, I…"

"No, Mon, I know, you're not going to do anything about your feelings, I get that! And I swear, in a way, I've accepted it, I have! But don't you think you're going a bit far in helping them? Couldn't you just let someone else handle this one?"

"He's still my best friend!" I say defensively, and Joey scoffs. "What? I don't care how I feel! He was upset, he wanted to have sex with his girlfriend and have her be incredibly happy about it, so I helped him! It's what I would have done a year ago, and I'm not going to let my feelings stop me. Nothing's changed between Chandler and I, not really. And I mean, I'm sure he's really happy right now as well! That's ultimately what matters, right?" I ask, desperate to make a point.

He just looks at me and says nothing, obviously deep in his thoughts.

"Joe?"

"What?"

"You've been staring at me for two minutes."

"I don't really know what to say, Monica."

"Listen, Joe… I know that it's awful that I feel bad because Kathy looked so happy after doing with Chandler… exactly what every other couple does! I just… I can't help it, but please, don't judge me. You're the only one to know about this, and I won't be able to take this if you judge me."

He shakes his head before I can even finish the sentence "Mon, I'm not judging you. Quite the opposite, actually."

Oh. Well, that sounds like something I might wanna hear "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm impressed! You were so focused on helping him, and trying to make him happy, that you all but pushed him into Kathy's arms! I mean, that might not be the smartest idea you've had, but you're a much better friend than pretty much anyone in your situation would be."

"Thank you." I say, but I don't really feel that much better at all. "I don't think you're right though."

"Really? Who else do you know that would help the person they love be with someone else?"

"Chandler." I say almost instinctively "Even though he liked Kathy, he kept making sure she was happy with you. She bought her birthday present on your behalf and all."

"I never said Chandler wasn't also a great friend." He says, then off my look, he continues. "Okay, so Chandler did that. Did you ever blame him for having feelings for Kathy?"

I don't have to think about my answer for one second. "Of course not. You can't help who you like."

"Okay, and would you have thought he was an awful friend if he told you he was upset that even though he was trying to help our relationship, the fact we were so happy still stung a little?"

I think I see where he's going with this. "I don't… know?"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Be honest."

"No, not really." I relent. "I would've told him it's a perfectly understandable feeling."

"Exactly. If that's true while Chandler's going through all of it, why wouldn't the same apply to you as well?"

This guy's starting to creep me out today. I always knew he was smarter than we usually give him credit for, but I didn't expect him to be quite this good at this kind of conversation.

"Thank you, Joey."

XXX

I've been watching TV with Joey for an hour now, and it's been the most peaceful hour I have spent in weeks.

It's oddly satisfying to just stay here quietly, knowing he fully knows and understands what I'm going through, but is not nosy enough to question me about it.

If I didn't know how much he hates it, I swear from now on I'd start going to him whenever I have a secret.

We both look behind our shoulders when we hear a door open, just to find that it's Rachel.

"Hey! What are you watching?"

"Just a movie." I say.

"Can I join?" She asks, and we both nod. She sits next to me and drapes a blanket on both of us.

"Mon?"

"What?"

"Why did you ask Chandler if he wants kids?"

I feel like I'd rather be anywhere but here right now. Joey's thankfully pretending to be focused on the movie, but I can tell he heard her. I try to weigh my words carefully.

"Curiosity? It's just something we never really talked about, so I wanted to know. Is that weird?"

She shrugs "I guess not. I just always assumed he didn't, so I thought everyone else did as well.."

Uh. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you assume Chandler doesn't want kids?"

"Well, he just never struck me as the type. I mean, you saw how he freaked out when you asked, right?"

I shrug "I guess. He's not the best with commitment."

"Did he really offer to have a child with you when you're forty?"

Oh, good. Just what I wanted Joey to hear. He's never going to let me live this one down.

"Yeah, when Ben was born. I'm sure he was kidding though."

I pretend I can't see Joey rolling his eyes, but Rachel doesn't seem to let it go.

"Really? How come you never told us?"

"Cause it's not important! It was a joke!" I repeat, though I really shouldn't have to.

"You mean like when he asked if you'd date him at the beach?" Joey asks, and I can immediately tell what he's doing. I won't let him, though.

"Exactly like that, yeah. Just joking."

"Right. I mean, he always jokes about it, and makes theoretical comments, but as soon as he's confronted with things, he chickens out. That's what I was saying." Rachel says, and both Joey and I stare at her.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's okay with having a child 'in the future' or 'if he really wants to', but as soon as you get more _real,_ and asks if he wants a child with Kathy, he freaks out." She answers nonchalantly.

"Well, he's been dating her for a month. I doubt either of them is thinking of baby names yet."

"Maybe. I dunno, I just always think of Chandler as a this big immature child. Not in like a bad way!" She tries to recover, when both I and Joey give her a look "He's just… oh come on! We all thought he was gonna be the one to get married last, right?"

"Right" Joey says, obviously just trying to get her to stop. If there's something this man cannot take, is someone speaking ill of one of his friends.

"Do you guys think I'm being mean?" She asks, and I bite down the first answer I think of.

"Not really" I say in the end "I just… I don't think you get him. I think he rejects commitment, because he thinks if he's not committed it will hurt less if the relationship ends badly."

"That's possible. I don't know, the two of you are his best friends! Maybe you're right, I just don't get him as well as you do. Joe?"

Joey seems to think about it for a moment "I think Monica's right." He says simply "She gets him really well."

"Yeah! And on the day… you know… when we told him he'd be the last one to get married? Weren't you the one to tell him that he's different from other men 'in a good way'? Maybe you're just better at understanding him than I am."

Joey seems to lose control at that. He somehow manages to keep calm, but I can tell he's gloating with happiness at the fact that the point he's been trying to make for the past month is inadvertently being endorsed by Rachel.

"Oh! And there was that one time on the balcony!" Oh dear God, Rachel shut up. "Remember? When you said you think Chandler is a lot better than he pretends to be, and his being immature is mostly an act?"

Joey's not even gloating anymore. He's basically glowing with joy. He looks like he's been told we're celebrating Christmas again this year.

"We've known each other since he was in college! We're close." I say simply, and Rachel nods.

Joey finally calms down, and I know he's not going to beat a dead horse. He promised to not tell anyone, and to let me try to get over it on my own terms, and no matter how much he hopes for this thing –if there even _is_ a thing- to work out, I know he's going to respect my boundaries.

Now I just need to get to the part where _I_ don't relive all the moments they listed in my head at night, and finally work on trying to move on.

 **Damn, I feel like this chapter's going to be the biggest let down ever now, if just because of how long it took to even get it out! I know there's not much Mondler interaction here, but I promise we will get there!**

 **BTW this follows canon pretty closely, and this chapter is set during (and shortly after) TOW Phoebe's Uterus. So, it won't be long until TOW Rachel's Crush! I hope you're all looking forward to that, cos I got that all planned out!**

 **As always, feedback is what keeps me going :).**


	7. Chapter 7

I never realized how different the two apartments are.

How is this even possible? Two apartments, in the same building, right in front of each other, and they're completely different.

Not only is this one smaller, the layout is completely different as well. I never really took notice before, because it's always been full with the guys' stuff, and really, why would I care? It's not like I planned to live here.

Damn, I hate it that I live here now.

"I thought you'd be much more of a sore loser than you're being."

"Huh. Thanks." I say over my shoulder, as I keep stacking my plates in the kitchen cabinets. My new apartment doesn't really agree with me, but I'm still going to make sure it is as clean and organized as I can possibly make it. "Why would you think that?"

"I dunno. It's just, you're always so competitive. I definitely thought you'd be more upset, especially since… you know. Rachel might not have wanted to bet the apartment, but you're definitely not the one who wanted the birds to go."

I shrug, my hands still full of plates. "What's being upset going to solve? You won fair and square. You and Joey really need to stop giving Rachel such a hard time, though."

He just shrugs and picks up an apple, but I swat his hand. In my head, I know him eating an apple is not going to create a mess, but for some reason, I want no one to touch anything until I'm done cleaning up the whole place.

"Hey!" he protests, but I just stick my tongue at him. He rolls his eys and puts the apple away, then suddenly he gets up from where he's sitting to come over and open a box of cups. "Where do these go?"

I point at another cabinet, and he starts stacking them, purposefully bumping my arm with his, in an obvious attempt to annoy me for denying him a snack, but mostly trying to have some lighthearted fun.

I can't say that I mind.

I also can't say that I don't see what he's doing: stalling.

"Why are you still here?" I ask, as good naturedly as possible. The last thing I want is for him to think I don't want him here.

And yet, he looks just a little sad before he asks "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you said you had to go to Kathy's place. You know? Apologize for accusing her of cheating on you?"

He tries his best to pretend he's really busy stacking up cups and glasses, but I know him far too well to fall for it. When he notices I'm staring at him expectantly, he sighs. "I've kind of been dreading it."

"What exactly are you dreading?"

He finally looks at me, his face sad again. "Well, there's still a chance I'm right. And if I'm not, who's to say she's going to forgive me? She might just as well decide I'm too immature and break up with me anyway. Some of the stuff I told her was sort of… well, really bad."

Huh. He's not given me the whole story, and God knows I'm trying to stay out of their way for the most part, but God, am I curious now.

"How bad?"

He looks away again, scrubbing the glass he's holding, as if it's not already perfectly clean "I… might have told her one of the reasons I don't trust her is… the way we started our relationship. And I know that's dumb! I was in it as much as she was! I knew she had a boyfriend! Actually, she was cheating on her boyfriend, and I was betraying my best friend! She doesn't deserve that kind of judgement, from me of all people!"

I can't say I disagree entirely with what he's saying. Not that I judge them either , but they definitely both didn't act their best in that situation.

"What do you think?"

"Well… I don't really know Kathy." I say sincerely, hoping that'll do. I'm trying my best to be supportive, but I really wish he'd stop asking me for relationship advice.

He nods in agreement, then asks "What would you do? If you were me?"

So much for that.

"I think… I would just apologize. And not like, in a half-assed way! Just… just make sure she knows how sorry you are. That she doesn't think you're just saying it because you don't want to break up, but because you're actually sorry you hurt her."

"I am sorry I hurt her!" He says defensively, as he sits down on the stool again. He looks so sorrowful, it kind of breaks my heart.

"I know you are! Just, make sure she knows that, ok? Make sure she knows you're trying your best."

He looks a little hopeful, and he extends his arms towards me. I know I've promised myself to do _less_ of this, but hey, I'm not going to just _not_ hug my best friend, am I? I walk into his arms, enjoying the smell of conditioner, and he sighs contently for a moment, before he kisses my cheek and whispers "You're the best" in my ear.

And then, like I've just burned myself, I'm out of his arms again, and he gives me a look as I straighten my shirt and try to act like I wasn't totally enamored with his smell and his warmth just five seconds ago.

"I just… I need to fix this place, I can't really take a break."

It's a lame excuse, and we both know it is, but he acts like he buys it and grabs his jacket. "Thanks, Mon"

I look at him questioningly "For what?"

"Not judging me? Actually caring? I don't know, just… thank you."

I smile at him while he closes the door behind him, and finally put the plates down.

Now that he left, I try my hardest to think of literally anything _other_ than the fact that Chandler is going to Kathy's, and I decide I can finally concentrate on how _bad_ this place is. Of course no one wants to hang out here. The apartment is smaller, the rooms have windows, but the only thing you can see when you look outside is another building. I'm just glad I got Chandler's room. Not that it's bigger than Joey's or anything, but I do think I have a higher chance of finding less… disgusting things, in there.

Shuddering at just the thought of what I _am_ going to find, I pick up some detergent and pour it on a scrubbie. This place is definitely not going to clean itself.

XXXX

My back is sore.

Actually, my whole body is sore.

I open my eyes and I realize I've been sleeping on the couch, and nobody's around, except for Rachel, who's sitting on the armchair and watching TV. The volume is really low, as she was probably trying not to wake me up. When I let out a distressed moan, she smiles at me.

"Damn, you sure had a long nap." She states simply, and I smile back.

"What can I say? I was tired."

She nods "I can definitely see why!" She says, obviously referring to the new floor. I think I got a bit carried away, but I'm really proud of how our place turned out. "Thank you. For trying to make this place better."

"You're welcome."

She comes over, sits next to where I'm lying and hugs my back for a second. "I know I've complained a lot these few last days, but I appreciate you doing this. If nothing else, we don't have smelly carpet anymore."

"It's okay. I did this for my own peace of mind as well." I tell her.

"Mon? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." I answer, though I'm scare of what she's going to ask.

"Are you alright?"

I stay completely still, the question way too generic. "Well, moving sucks, and Chandler's room is definitely an adjustement, but-"

"No- I don't mean the moving. I mean, are you doing alright? You just seem… off lately."

Oh, great. Someone else is worrying about me. Wonderful.

"I'm fine, Rach."

She looks at me for a moment, then lets it go. "Ok."

"I am! I'm…. dealing with something, but I'm ok. It's really not that bad."

"Is it work stuff?" She asks, obviously glad I at least told her _something_. I want to be irritated, but I can't. Not being able to help your friends is always frustrating, and I've definitely been refusing help lately.

"It's… it's not work stuff. It's more of a personal thing."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Besides, it's silly." I say. I hate lying to her face, but what am I going to do? Talking about my feelings is the last thing I want to do.

She definitely looks like she doesn't believe me, so I try to change topic. "Is Chandler back?" I ask, though I really don't know whether I wanna know. If he's not back, there's a really high chance he's at Kathy's, and if he's still there he's probably doing… stuff.

"Oh, right! You were asleep!"

Oh. "I take it he is, then?"

She looks genuinely sorry after a beat, and she just says "Yeah. He broke up with Kathy."

I look at her, confused. By what he told me, it sounded like he wanted to make amends and apologize. Wasn't she the one who was mad? Why would _he_ break up with her?

"What?" I ask simply, my head pounding.

"Kathy was cheating on him."

I swear, keeping track of this is becoming exhausting. "No, that was yesterday! He said he thought she might be cheating and accused her, but he was going to apologize to her this afternoon! Is he back yet?" I ask again. Surely, I must be missing something.

"Yeah, he did! He went there, and apparently he found a man's pants in her living room. He asked her again, and she admitted she'd been cheating on him."

My heart feels like it's literally breaking.

I think I can safely say this is way worse than the two months of unrequited love, and it's not like they were a walk in the park either.

And now I'm crying. In front of Rachel.

I've tried so hard to hide my feelings, and I think I've succeeded too, but this is unbearable. It's like they're suddenly coming out of me at once, like I'm finally letting out all the frustration and sadness I've been building up the past two months.

"Hey! What's wrong?"

"I- I just! It's Chandler!" is all I can manage to get out. I definitely feel too overwhelmed to form a coherent thought, let alone speak a whole sentence.

"I know! I know, we were all so upset when he told us! Even Joey!"

I still can't seem to find the words for how upset I am, so I just keep sobbing, my body basically convulsing in Rachel's arms.

"Hey, it's fine! Chandler's a big boy! He can take care of himself!"

"I know" is all I can say, and I don't know if Rachel even got what I said, as I mostly mumbled it in between tears.

"Mon, really, are you okay?"

I really doubt she's going to believe me if I say yes, to be honest. I can barely manage to calm down, for God's sake!

She leaves to retrieve a box of tissues and hands them over, and I try sitting up straight. Lying on my stomach is not doing much for my thoat and lungs right now. I take the tissues, and try breathing deep for a bit.

"Sorry"

Rachel looks at me quizzically "For what?"

"Well… the crying" I answer "I must be freaking you out".

"It's okay, you're really not."

"I just… I feel like I've had all this pent up pressure in me, you know? And this was just… I just feel like I needed to let it go."

"Hey, whatever helps! I'm not judging. We all felt very sorry about him. And you have been under a lot of pressure lately, with the new job, and the moving… better to let it out than keep it all bottled inside, right?"

"Yeah" I say, finally composing myself, impressed at how well she knows me. I tug at my flannel shirt, and press a tissue under my eye with the other hand, trying to dry the tears."Where is he now?"

"I think he's in my… well _his_ room." She says, and only now do I realize she's been combing through my hair with her fingers. Most importantly, only now do I realize how soothing it is.

"Do you think he wants to be alone?" I ask. As much as I want to make sure he's okay, I really don't want to be bothering him.

"I don't know. I mean, surely he's not planning a party, but he probably wouldn't mind you checking on him."

XXXX

I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'm in my old apartment, just out of Chandler's room, and I'm starting to think this might not be the best idea I've ever had.

Even if he _does_ want to talk, what am I going to say? Sorry your girlfriend cheated on you? I'm sorry you broke up with her?

But then, if I can't work up the courage to walk in there and comfort my best friend, who is probably in a lot of pain right now, what does that say about me? What kind of person does that make _me_?

I raise my hand and knock on the door. I don't get an answer, and I turn around, glad I don't have to do anything right now, but then I notice Chandler's jacket is on his barcalounger and his shoes are at the bottom of it, which means he hasn't left, and that the bathroom door is open, which means he's not in there.

I turn against his door again, calling him out. "Chandler? May I come in?" I ask, mentally kicking myself. For some reason, it sounded really corny.

"Mon?" Is all I hear, and I answer affirmatively, almost hoping he'll ask me to leave. Instead, he just says "Come in."

Now, I know I'm a neat freak. And I know Chandler is not one. But the show in front of me is nothing I ever thought Chandler would be capable of.

At least half a dozen of his shirts have been thrown carelessly on the floor, right in front of his wardrobe. There's a pizza box on the nightstand, clumsily balanced on two bottles of beer. He's lying on the bed, and while he does have a pillow under his head, all the blankets and sheets are at the bed's feet, as if he was going to make it but then suddenly changed his mind.

I only notice Joey is in the room when I stop spotting the mess. He's sitting on a chair he borrowed from the kitchen, probably not trusting Chandler to be left alone right now.

"Hey." Is the only thing I can get out, my throat suddenly sore. The sight of Chandler looking so miserable, lying like a sad child in this dumpster, is definitely not something I'm enjoying.

"What's wrong, Mon?" Joey asks, looking seriously worried. I guess Rachel hasn't lied about me looking 'off', whatever that means.

"I… I … Rachel told me about…"

"About how I'm a total loser? Gee Mon, you should be used to it by now. You don't need to be crying about it."

I appreciate his effort to make fun of himself, even in his self-deprecating way, but damn, the hurt in his voice is just making me feel even worse, if that's at all possible. Besides, is it really that obvious that I was crying?

"I'm sorry. About what happened." I say, and once again I truthfully mean it, just the way I did when I said I hoped their relationship would work out.

"Well, don't be. It's not like you're the one who cheated on me." He says, fidgeting with the hem of his sleeves.

I just stand on the doorway like this big clumsy idiot, and I'm out of words to say. Joey obviously takes notice, so he speaks next. "Guys, I'm going to check on the birds, and then I promised Pheebs I would meet her downstairs. You gonna be okay, dude?"

Chandler nods absent mindedly, which makes me realize he probably didn't even hear the question.

As Joey walks past me, and shuts the door close behind him, I can feel myself growing increasingly awkward. After what feels like an eternity, however, Chandler finally looks at me, a touch of annoyance in his stare. "I'm fine, Monica. Really. Stop looking at me like that."

"Are you?" I ask, and I know I'm now having with him the same attitude everyone's been having towards me lately, the very same attitude that's been annoying me so much, but the truth is, I can't imagine letting this go- I just can't bring myself to pretend that seeing him hurt is not making my heart ache more and more by the second.

"Of course" he says dryly, but I tilt my head, trying to get him to talk openly. When that doesn't work, I lean against the door.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" The thought of doing so is wrenching my guts, but I really want to make sure I'm not just upsetting him further by being here.

"Not really."

I sigh in relief and sit on the bed, right next to him, my back against his headboard "What's with the mess?" I ask. Not that I care really, since this isn't my home anymore, but I don't wanna ask what happened with Kathy. If he wants to tell me, he will of his own accord.

"I… Well, Joey ordered pizza, but because I wouldn't leave my room he brought it in here" he explains, rolling his eyes "And the shirts… I was just trying to choose the right one before I went to… her place. Can you imagine? I was here, trying on shirts, thinking that it would matter how I looked when I went there to _apologize_ and in the meanwhile, she was sleeping with someone else." He says, his tone getting angrier at every word.

There are so many things I want to say, mostly reassuring thoughts and stuff on how he can always talk to any of us about it. But I've been through a few breakups, and I know none of those help on the first few days, when you feel like nothing is going to actually make things better just yet.

"And what's with the sheets?"

"I want to wash them. Kathy was here two days ago. They don't even smell like her or anything , but I just… can't stand the thougt of it, you know? I still love her, but I really don't want her in my life anymore."

"Yeah?" I ask, trying to be as vague as possible. I really don't wanna push his buttons, not when he seems so talkative about how he feels. I'm just glad he's not shutting me off completely.

"Yeah. It's just… even if I did forgive her, I would never realy be able to trust her again. Not really. And I don't wanna be that kind of person, you know? I don't want to feel like she might be meeting another man every time she tells me she's going out."

I don't really know what to answer to that, though I think it makes perfect sense, so I just get up and start hanging his shirts in the wardrobe.

"Do you think I'm being too hard on her?"

I turn around to look at him, and I raise my eyebrow at his question "Why would I think that?"

"Well you know… I accused her of cheating when I didn't even know if it was true. Hell, maybe it wasn't true at the time, and she only slept with Nick because of our fight."

I just scoff at him, and keep on picking his shirts from the floor.

"I take it that's a no?"

"That's definitely a no." I say simply, not wanting to go off and start ranting against Kathy. The last thing I want, is speak badly about her in front of him.

No matter how much she hurt my best friend, I am not going to be that person. Besides, whatever I'll tell him in this regard is going to be extremely biased.

"Really?"

"Really. Listen, I think you can spend the whole day on that bed, trying to figure out whether this is your fault or not. But the truth is, no matter how stupid, or insensitive, or how much of a jerk you were" I say, and I'm glad to see he's at least halfway smiling "the fact still stands, that this was what, your very first fight?" he just nods "Okay, your first fight, and while you were in there, asking me advice on how to make amends, or in here, looking for the perfect shirt, she was… well. You know. "

He doesn't look too happy about what I just told him, but he sits just a little straighter "Youre right. I know you're right, but it's hard not to blame myself for it, you know?"

There are still a few shirts on the floor, but I decide to sit next to him again. It definitely looks like that's what he needs, anyway.

"Listen, I'm not saying you're completely blameless! Didn't you hear what I just called you?" He lets out a snort that sort of sounds like a laugh, so I keep talking. "I'm just saying, there is a number of ways to react to that. If she was that mad at you, she could have broken up with you when you confronted her, or even called you afterwards to break up, or used a smoke signal, whatever! But you don't go behind someone's back like that, you just don't."

He suddenly hugs me, and while I can't say I don't love it, which i certainly do, I'm pretty sure hugging while we're on his bed is really not going to help my feelings at all. However, I don't really want to stop it this time: he's my friend, he's obviously going thorugh a lot, and he needs me- and all the support I can give him.

Besides, it's the most comfortable feeling in the world.

 **Ha! can you believe I'm updating already? And with such a long Chapter too!**

 **This is basically my apology for making you wait so long the last time around ;) Also, I was really indecisive on whether I wanted to stick with canon (like I did) or go some other way and figure out another way to break up Chandler and Kathy. And the thing is... I couldn't think of another way I wanted them to break them up, for a number of reasons, I hope it works for you guys, I know lots of you were looking forward to this ;)**

 **Also, despite Monica's speech in this, I really loved Kathy on the show... unfaithfulness aside, so it kind of hurt to rewatch this ep in order to write this chapter.**

 **As always, feedback is always appreciated! Remember you guys, that's all the motivation writers get ;P**


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